My Bucket List, Part I

Last night, Rob and I watched a movie called “The Bucket List”, with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman. Wouldn’t have been my first pick, but every once and a while you got to let Rob have the top spot on Netflix or he gets all pouty.

Ok. Just a word about the current state of our movie watching. To quote my children, “OMG, Mom, that movie came out like, ages ago! What is it on, like VCR?” Because for their generation, anything that happened more than 24 hours ago is so ancient…yesterday…old news. Wait a minute, those descriptors sound just like Rob and me!

Anywho, the premise is that two guys meet for the first time in the oncology ward of the hospital where they’re been treated for terminal cancer. Oh yea. Cheery subject given the past couple of years, right? But the story is more about what they want to do with their time remaining. You know, what would you, should you do before you ‘kick the bucket’?

Which begs the question – what would be on my bucket list?

Being the shallow person that I am, my thoughts first turn to the tangibles. Travel. Anywhere. Meet the Pope in Italy. Visit the Sheriff of Nottingham in England. Figure out where Kevin has decamped to-Peru, Spain-and pay a visit. Just travel. Heck, I want to travel alot right here in the US of A in my ole’ RV, with me in my support hose and Rob in his white shoes and black socks. Our ‘on the road again’ conversations would probably sound a lot like this…

• Rob: We’re not getting older dear, we’re getting better.
• Me: Yes, it is getting colder; I think I’ll get my sweater.
• Rob: Hmmm, you’re right; the roads do seem wetter.
• Me: I don’t know where the folder is with that IRS letter!
• Rob: Katie hurt her shoulder walking an Irish setter?
• Silence.
• Me: We’re not getting older dear, we’re getting better.

But, if I had to list a number one pick it on my Bucket list it would be…a college degree.

Alright, go ahead. Gasp and gawk at the screen; squint your eyes and say, huh? We thought you had a college degree!

Lemme ‘splain.

You remember those career profile tests that high schools give you. Based on a bunch of your random answers to inane, seemingly unrelated questions, anonymous people (or a chimpanzee and a laser pointer) announce that you should be…in my case 1) a nurse; 2) a florist; and 3) a computer engineer. Really that’s what it said. Several issues jump immediately to mind – other than my own kids I hate the sight of blood and sick people, so number 1 is a no-go. And have you seen my house and office? I have NO decorating or arranging skills. Absolutely none. And every plant that I touch dies. Thank the Lord for silk flowers. So, sayonara to the florist career.  Of course these tests are the same ones that suggested my daughter Katie become a farmer. Except she doesn’t like dirt.

So, as far as college went, computers it was. Just one problem. I hate computers. Hate ‘em. Yeah, I can fix them, work ‘em, make them do what they’re supposed to do, but for me they’re right up there on the evil list with coffeemakers. But in the 70’s computers were the wave of the future, so I loaded up my punch cards and began dutifully cranking out software that made smiley faces in pixels - when the coding was right, that is.

Of course, computers weren’t TOO much the wave of the future because at the time you could only earn an Associate’s Degree, which I did. To get a four year degree you had to study something else too. I tried English courses, which I loved but my Dad hated; and some Accounting courses-I know, stop laughing! Me.Numbers.Counting. It wasn’t pretty. And so I left with 4 years of classes but only a 2 year degree.

Well, woulda, coulda, shoulda. It’s a bucket list right? And you should dream big…

So, last week I sent an official letter to Youngstown State University along with a gold coin to pay the troll to take a lantern down into their catacombs to retrieve my transcripts which surprisingly came printed on paper and not chiseled in stone. Now my son Kevin will tell you that despite “State” and “University” in the title, YSU is not a real school. Kevin=the stick that stirs the drink in our house.

But the other day, the transcripts arrived, looking very much liked they’d been printed a dot matrix printer with coding that I wrote. And so I am shopping me and my records from the Lay Pastoral Ministry Program at the Athenaeum around to local schools of higher learning. The winner will be the place where the advisor can talk to me without pop shooting out his nose in laughter while he consults my records.

Not to worry though – I don’t plan on kicking the bucket any time soon. I just plan on using Kevin’s part of the inheritance to pay for all the fun stuff before I do…

And what’s on your list?

Let's see if everybody REALLY wanted me to write a blog...

Hello, world. 

I find myself writing this blog, feeling a little like a “Who” in Dr. Suess, wondering exactly why I’m writing, except for the oft heard phrase after Kyle’s cancer blog – repeat after me in your best Jewish mother voice – “You should write!  Something!  Anything!  A book!  You made me laugh; you made me cry…you’re like Erma Bombeck (not so much)…don’t stop writing!”

So…well…okay. 

And hence the title of this blog.  Now, I’d like to take credit for the title but that honor goes completely to Katie B.  My oldest uses this verbal shorthand to announce and set the tenor of any conversation that could follow:

SO – emphatically stated; it indicates the story that follows is either derisive or not to be believed.  For example, “SO, guess what somebody asked me today in the pharmacy about OTHER uses for KY Jelly?!?”  Trust me; you don’t want to know the question.  I didn’t want my daughter to HEAR the question; thank God she didn’t know the answer.  Usually SO is followed by “guess what?” or “you know that guy…”. 

WELL – pleading, tentatively, quietly spoken.  Usually the fore bearer of bad news, as in “Well, my grades are in…”  Typically ‘but’ has a very prominent place in any statements that follows ‘well’.   However, WELL can also mean a piece of good gossip.  That WELL is distinguishable by the drawn out nature of the word flourished with a tinge of excitement and a salacious exclamation point at the end – “Wellllll…!”  Of course there is the alternate but less used meaning of the indignant “WELL.” as in “Well.  Guess what my ex-girlfriend did now…!” 

But of all the lead-ins, OKAY is my favorite.  You know going in that when the conversation starts with OKAY, a dual explanation follows.  Part one is usually less than pleasant – “OKAY, I quit my job today.”  But part two rapidly follows – “But I got a better job selling magazines door-to-door!”  OKAY is the negotiating opener, as in you-may-not-like-what-you-hear-first-but-wait-until-the-end-surprise!  If you’re going to use OKAY it means not taking a breath UNTIL you’ve completed part 1 and 2.  An OKAY opener could sound like this – “OKAY, you know how you never liked or trusted my boyfriend?  We got engaged this weekend, and then we thought, why wait?  Let’s just elope – and that’s just what we did!  See, you were totally wrong about him, Mom…Mom? Hello?”  The OKAY opener requires you sit down, take a deep breath and think on your feet (hard, because you're, you know, sitting down) because it usually contains the statement ‘remember I told you…’ – and the hamster on the wheel in your brain starts to whirl because either a) they didn’t tell you; or b) they did tell you and in your declining brain capacity that thought got moved to the Recycle Bin if not deleted outright. 

SO, y’all wanted me to write a blog, huh?

WELL, here it is, but what if it’s awful and nobody reads it?

OKAY.  Remember how you all said that I should continue writing a blog or publish a book?  I’m quitting my job and writing full-time.  See all the followers – you were right!  What a great decision I made?! It’s so easy - just press the PayPal button to contribute to my financial well-being…Hello?...Anyone?